The problem with having On Demand with your cable provider is that you wind up watching shit that you would never think to watch normally. After you’ve seen all of the movies you care to watch, and all the latest and greatest HBO series, you’ve shit the bed when it comes to quality TV.
So, finding myself in such a predicament, I began to watch Season 2 of Paris Hilton’s My New BFF which is essentially the mental equivalent to sticking your genitals into the steel blades of a fan.
What baffled the hell out of me was that I couldn’t stop watching. It’s fucking fascinating; and arguably the most entertaining retarded show on television. You know how your parents always tell you not to stare at people with mental disabilities? Well, this show reaches out, pulls you in and screams, “Fuck yo’ Parents!“
The scariest thing is that I’m not sure why I found it so compelling. It is an emotionally draining passtime that packs about as much intellectual stimulation as farting in the bathtub. It was shot by a three-year-old with a HandyCam, edited by a narcoleptic ape, and it features some of the most irritating insults to civilization I have ever had the misfortune of absolutely falling in love with.
Paris Hilton’s My New BFF perpetuates the most annoying quality that all of MTV and VH1’s ‘celebreality’ shows tend to share…
…this is the idea that using the word “DRAMA” somehow makes the show more dramatic.
When these vacant-minded cunts prance around a mansion shouting about how much DRAMA they have to endure, I feel like whatever part of me that would be poetically referred to as a “soul” has turned into a vacuous black hole.
So, why then do I continue to watch? Why is this so fucking fascinating? My first thought is that it is in our malicious human nature to find incomparable joy when those who would look down us crumble and wither in the presence of unparalleled cruelty.
My second thought is that our bloodlust drives us to cringe with excitement when observing lambs being led to the slaughter. These poor oblivious girls (and one homosexual who is still, for some reason, referred to as a girl) bend over backwards and humiliate themselves with no limits or boundaries in a no-holds-barred attempt to break into the world of the Hollywood Non-Celebrity.
They remain unfazed by the fact that this world has no place for them and will inevitably chew them up and spit them out viciously, repeatedly, and without remorse until they wind up empty shells of their former selves…
Much like this…
Paris Hilton's Pet Creeper
Onch (pictured above) was the androgynous losing contestant on Season One of My New BFF who Paris Hilton decided to adopt as, essentially, her personal fairy. Onch prances about like a ten-year-old Asian girl whose only success in life seems to be making every other man in the world feel better about the size of their dick.
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